I talk a lot about being quiet so you can listen and really hear what’s being said, but what do you do when someone you are in conflict with won’t engage or respond to your concerns?

The cold shoulder is a very unproductive method of communication. It’s ok to avoid saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or be silent to prevent hurt feelings in the heat of the moment. But when repeatedly used, or used for longer than a few days, it is unlikely a form of emotional protection, rather, a passive-aggressive behavioural trait (power play) and a form of emotional abuse. The perpetrator needs to address it in order for a continued functional relationship.

We mostly see this behaviour in family law and deceased estate matters, conflicts between parents and adult children or within extended families, and sometimes workplace and neighbourhood disputes.

Mediation is only possible when both parties want to resolve their conflict (or when it is ordered or directed by a court/tribunal etc). It is a very frustrating situation when clients want to resolve their differences but the other party will not engage.

Some tips:

• Name it. Tell them you notice they will not engage or respond
• Tell them how you feel, eg. I am hurt and frustrated that you won’t speak to me about X
• Ask them to share how they feel about the situation
• Do not apologise or blame yourself for their withdrawal, it’s not on you. It’s ok to apologise if you have hurt their feelings
•  Take time out before you try to talk about it. You are also allowed to calm down before meeting/discussing
•  Try to avoid provocation, this will only escalate the conflict, but by all means, set boundaries
•  Know when to seek or suggest getting help, such as with a counsellor or other professional.

Finally… Be aware that sometimes the only way to deal with repeated withdrawal is to withdraw yourself. It is not an easy thing to do, but sometimes you need to remove their power and protect yourself. If they wish to resolve the issue, maintain the relationship, or seek help, they will.