So, next up is an example of how to use the 123 method for a common issue in a close family.

Your parents are causing problems between you and your partner around the routine and discipline of your children. You say:

1. Mum/Dad, when you criticise how we’re raising the kids, we feel inadequate & that you think we’re not doing a good job.
2. We like routine, but we also like to keep things flexible. When you say things like they should be in bed earlier, or we’re spoiling them or smacking never hurt me etc, we feel judged like we’re doing something wrong. There seems to be a negative comment about our parenting whenever we see you lately.
3. I’m concerned, if it continues, that [insert partner’s name] will want to stop visiting, or not have the kids stay with you as often. It’s creating difficulties between us at home. We’re arguing about it and want it to stop.

Parents: Oh, don’t be so ridiculous. The kids are absolute treasures, we love our time with you all. But we’re allowed to have an opinion, you know. We raised you and your brothers, and you all turned out just fine. If you don’t want our help, just say so.

Reply: I know you love them and we don’t mind you having an opinion. We definitely need help. But we feel inadequate when you criticise how we do things. We want to raise the kids our way and may need to see a bit less of each other if it doesn’t stop. Do you think you could just talk to each other, and not try and take over when we are around?

Extended family relationships can be tricky to navigate. Young parents need help and family support is wonderful when it works. Setting boundaries can really help to manage different personalities and parenting styles/eras.